This is a not so gentle gift selection guide for those of you who do not have kids, had kids and are now senile and forgot what they do to things, or have kids but never bought them jack crap so you just don't know. I would like to dedicate it to the author of People I Wan't To Punch in the Throat, because it is my little slice of her vision.
First Rule: Just buy one thing. MORE IS NOT BETTER. Especially when you buy 30 things from the dollar store. Let me give you a little hint. Thirty pieces of crap most likely get deep sixed within a week of giving, maybe an hour. A half way decent $30 toy may actually live to see the next holiday or birthday. Also, the parents most likely want to play Santa. Stop trying to out do Santa. It is rude!
Second Rule: If the box says appropriate for age seven and up, do not give it to a child that is 3. You are just asking for that business to be ripped and shredded three year old style. It says not appropriate and you should listen. I let my three year old have his way with this stuff, if it will not destroy my life, and then I throw the f'r in the garbage. He is a professional destroyer of things that are not appropriate for his age. If you can't read, don't be forever sad that the gift is landfill fodder.
Third Rule: Do not buy things that have more pieces than the child's age. If you do not know their age, you probably don't need to be buying them anything, any way, so back away and make a mother's day. If you can not read (this goes for rule two, as well) look at the flipping picture on the box. If you don't want to clean that crap up, neither do we. Most children are not emotionally, organizationally and mentally capable to handle things with more pieces than their age. There are some freaky kids out there that are exceptions. Chances are highly likely you do not know any of them. Just don't do it.
Fourth Rule: Just say no to art supplies. No pens, no paint, NO RUBBER STAMPS WITH INK, no clay, no glitter, no sticky "moon clay" or any variants. If it has a chance of sticking to or forever maiming the carpet, back the hell off of it, OKAY? It is not funny to provide the means for urban, toddler, wall art. NOT COOL, NO WAY! Capiche? If a parent is self loathing enough to want their kid to have these things, let them buy them their own damn selves. Then they have no one to blame but themselves. You can save yourself from being envisioned with head on a pike while pissed parents throw rotten fruit at your face. Personal note: I had such a flipping melt down over rubber stamps and ink I don't think anyone will ever dare bring one near me. My $8000 bedroom furniture will never be the same.
P.S. Those things with a million plastic pieces that you iron together are made by the devil. Christmas is for Jesus, leave the devil out of it.
Fifth Rule: Animals that make noise and dance and sing can PISS OFF!! Trust me when I say, if you give something like this, you will be repaid, some day, some way. These are not cute, they are not funny. When you buy this crap, you are opening yourself up to a world of paybacks are a b!tch!.
Sixth Rule: Do not buy clothes other than the size the child wears regardless of how cute you think they are or how cheap they are. It is OK to buy ONE size up for the next season, as it is likely the child will grow in to them in an appropriate amount of time. I refuse to stuff my kid in to an item that looks like a wiener skin on them, and I refuse to store clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big. When you do this, Good Will LOVES you!
Seventh Rule: Listen to the parents. If a parent says do not buy IT, do not buy IT! No exceptions ever, ever, EVER!!
Eighth Rule: Do not buys dolls that look like slut bags. Do you want your child in your life to dress like a dirty, little HO? If you buy dirty ho bags as role models, expect dirty ho bags.
Ninth Rule: This linked to rule one. One nice toy lasts longer than ten junky pieces of crap. When you buy cheap, you get what you pay for. The wheels fall off of the trucks when the three years old bashes them together. Yep, they do. Pay five bucks for one little car that stands a snowballs chance in hell of living, rather than 5 bucks for 5 cars that are pulverized with in minutes.
Tenth Rule: When you can't follow the rules, get a gift card.
First Rule: Just buy one thing. MORE IS NOT BETTER. Especially when you buy 30 things from the dollar store. Let me give you a little hint. Thirty pieces of crap most likely get deep sixed within a week of giving, maybe an hour. A half way decent $30 toy may actually live to see the next holiday or birthday. Also, the parents most likely want to play Santa. Stop trying to out do Santa. It is rude!
Second Rule: If the box says appropriate for age seven and up, do not give it to a child that is 3. You are just asking for that business to be ripped and shredded three year old style. It says not appropriate and you should listen. I let my three year old have his way with this stuff, if it will not destroy my life, and then I throw the f'r in the garbage. He is a professional destroyer of things that are not appropriate for his age. If you can't read, don't be forever sad that the gift is landfill fodder.
Third Rule: Do not buy things that have more pieces than the child's age. If you do not know their age, you probably don't need to be buying them anything, any way, so back away and make a mother's day. If you can not read (this goes for rule two, as well) look at the flipping picture on the box. If you don't want to clean that crap up, neither do we. Most children are not emotionally, organizationally and mentally capable to handle things with more pieces than their age. There are some freaky kids out there that are exceptions. Chances are highly likely you do not know any of them. Just don't do it.
Fourth Rule: Just say no to art supplies. No pens, no paint, NO RUBBER STAMPS WITH INK, no clay, no glitter, no sticky "moon clay" or any variants. If it has a chance of sticking to or forever maiming the carpet, back the hell off of it, OKAY? It is not funny to provide the means for urban, toddler, wall art. NOT COOL, NO WAY! Capiche? If a parent is self loathing enough to want their kid to have these things, let them buy them their own damn selves. Then they have no one to blame but themselves. You can save yourself from being envisioned with head on a pike while pissed parents throw rotten fruit at your face. Personal note: I had such a flipping melt down over rubber stamps and ink I don't think anyone will ever dare bring one near me. My $8000 bedroom furniture will never be the same.
P.S. Those things with a million plastic pieces that you iron together are made by the devil. Christmas is for Jesus, leave the devil out of it.
Fifth Rule: Animals that make noise and dance and sing can PISS OFF!! Trust me when I say, if you give something like this, you will be repaid, some day, some way. These are not cute, they are not funny. When you buy this crap, you are opening yourself up to a world of paybacks are a b!tch!.
Sixth Rule: Do not buy clothes other than the size the child wears regardless of how cute you think they are or how cheap they are. It is OK to buy ONE size up for the next season, as it is likely the child will grow in to them in an appropriate amount of time. I refuse to stuff my kid in to an item that looks like a wiener skin on them, and I refuse to store clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big. When you do this, Good Will LOVES you!
Seventh Rule: Listen to the parents. If a parent says do not buy IT, do not buy IT! No exceptions ever, ever, EVER!!
Eighth Rule: Do not buys dolls that look like slut bags. Do you want your child in your life to dress like a dirty, little HO? If you buy dirty ho bags as role models, expect dirty ho bags.
Ninth Rule: This linked to rule one. One nice toy lasts longer than ten junky pieces of crap. When you buy cheap, you get what you pay for. The wheels fall off of the trucks when the three years old bashes them together. Yep, they do. Pay five bucks for one little car that stands a snowballs chance in hell of living, rather than 5 bucks for 5 cars that are pulverized with in minutes.
Tenth Rule: When you can't follow the rules, get a gift card.
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