How To Pick A Gift For A Kid- Ten things Series.

This is a not so gentle gift selection guide for those of you who do not have kids, had kids and are now senile and forgot what they do to things, or have kids but never bought them jack crap so you just don't know.  I would like to dedicate it to the author of People I Wan't To Punch in the Throat, because it is my little slice of her vision.


First Rule:  Just buy one thing.  MORE IS NOT BETTER.  Especially when you buy 30 things from the dollar store.  Let me give you a little hint.  Thirty pieces of crap most likely get deep sixed within a week of giving, maybe an hour.  A half way decent $30 toy may actually live to see the next holiday or birthday. Also, the parents most likely want to play Santa.  Stop trying to out do Santa.  It is rude!

Second Rule:  If the box says appropriate for  age seven and up, do not give it to a child that is 3. You are just asking for that business to be ripped and shredded three year old style.  It says not appropriate and you should listen.  I let my three year old have his way with this stuff, if it will not destroy my life, and then I throw the f'r in the garbage.  He is a professional destroyer of things that are not appropriate for his age.  If you can't read, don't be forever sad that the gift is landfill fodder.

Third Rule:  Do not buy things that have more pieces than the child's age.  If you do not know their age, you probably don't need to be buying them anything, any way, so back away and make a mother's day.  If you can not read (this goes for rule two, as well) look at the flipping picture on the box.  If you don't want to clean that crap up, neither do we.  Most children are not emotionally, organizationally and mentally capable to handle things with more pieces than their age.  There are some freaky kids out there that are exceptions.  Chances are highly likely you do not know any of them.  Just don't do it.

Fourth Rule:  Just say no to art supplies.  No pens, no paint, NO RUBBER STAMPS WITH INK, no clay, no glitter, no sticky "moon clay" or any variants.  If it has a chance of sticking to or forever maiming the carpet, back the hell off of it, OKAY?  It is not funny to provide the means for urban, toddler, wall art. NOT COOL, NO WAY!  Capiche? If a parent is self loathing enough to want their kid to have these things, let them buy them their own damn selves.  Then they have no one to blame but themselves.  You can save yourself from being envisioned with head on a pike while pissed parents throw rotten fruit at your face.  Personal note: I had such a flipping melt down over rubber stamps and ink I don't think anyone will ever dare bring one near me.  My $8000 bedroom furniture will never be the same.

P.S. Those things with a million plastic pieces that you iron together are made by the devil. Christmas is for Jesus, leave the devil out of it.

Fifth Rule:  Animals that make noise and dance and sing can PISS OFF!!  Trust me when I say, if you give something like this, you will be repaid, some day, some way.  These are not cute, they are not funny.  When you buy this crap, you are opening yourself up to a world of paybacks are a b!tch!.

Sixth Rule:  Do not buy clothes other than the size the child wears regardless of how cute you think they are or how cheap they are.  It is OK to buy ONE size up for the next season, as it is likely the child will grow in to them in an appropriate amount of time.  I refuse to stuff my kid in to an item that looks like a wiener skin on them, and I refuse to store clothes that are 3-4 sizes too big.  When you do this, Good Will LOVES you!

Seventh Rule:  Listen to the parents.  If a parent says do not buy IT, do not buy IT!  No exceptions ever, ever, EVER!!

Eighth Rule:  Do not buys dolls that look like slut bags.  Do you want your child in your life to dress like a dirty, little HO?  If you buy dirty ho bags as role models, expect dirty ho bags.

Ninth Rule:  This linked to rule one.  One nice toy lasts longer than ten junky pieces of crap.  When you buy cheap, you get what you pay for.  The wheels fall off of the trucks when the three years old bashes them together.  Yep, they do.  Pay five bucks for one little car that stands a snowballs chance in hell of living, rather than 5 bucks for 5 cars that are pulverized with in minutes.

Tenth Rule: When you can't follow the rules, get a gift card. 

Ten Things- Uses For The Cotton From Medicine Bottles

So as some of you know I work in a call center answering medical questions.  I got a call where the guy asked me why (Brand X) does not put the cotton in the bottles anymore.  My standard answer to these types of questions is "I have not been able to locate any information regarding this. I am sorry."  He told me he had just woken up with this vexing question and thought he better call and ask.  He called from PT at 0700 MST, on Saturday.  I find this rather disturbing.  When we were about to disconnect he says "Well, I guess I need to go call Advil now."  This I find even more disturbing.  This happened about a month ago and every Saturday when I am answering the constipation hotline, I think of possible alternate uses for the cotton.  This is, perhaps, the most disturbing part of all.

1.) Save for use when one has a bloody nose.  Use as a stopper.

2.) Use it to take of fingernail polish remover and save money on cotton balls.

3.) Save it and send it to me to use as stuffed animal stuffing.  (My grandma told me I should save dryer lint for this purpose.  HA!)

4.) Stuff your bra with it if you wear one.  If you do not, donate it to your nearest size A- chest.

5.) Put it in the end of the shoes of your kid so you can buy the 2 sizes too big shoes on clearance and get maximum use out of them.

6.) Soak it in wax and use it as ear plugs to drown out the sawing ZZZZ's of your loved ones. (This is dedicated to my husband.)

7.) Save it and use it as packing materials at Christmas time.

8.) Use it as kindling for when you light your next camp fire.

9.) Spin in on a spinning wheel into string and knit a coaster with it.

10.)  Save it for when your kids have kids and tell them way back when I was a kid they used to stuff jars of pills with big wads of cotton and I could never find out why because the call agents were so obtuse.  (I got called obtuse because of my answers.  Everything we give out is scripted.  This was by email too.  How warm and fuzzy and detailed do you expect an email from a drug company to be? SHEESH!)

Now if this man googles "Uses for cotton from medicine bottles" he may have some not quite true uses for it.  The real use of it is to keep the pills from breaking and/or to absorb moisture away from the pills.  I am not allowed to give out information that is not provided to me.  I hope this is a learning experience and I strive to be less obtuse in the future.

Ten Things- Frontroom Pizza Fathers Day Fiasco

After a super long day of listening to "Darth Vader" breathing the death rattle on the other side of the work cubicle I embarked on a road to chaos in it's purest form.  Children (and grown ups that are kind of like children) on Father's Day.

1.) The grande decision.  Where to go, what to do?  In my family this is always a ridiculous spectacle.  Never is it an easy choice or event.  "What should we do?"  "Whatever works for everybody." "DO you think we should go?"  "I wonder if we should call ahead?"   (The answer to this, from a former bartender, is always HELL YES.)  "Is (insert anything) going to work for everybody?" (The answer to this is always HELL NO!!) "What is the phone number?" "Does anyone know?"  "Where is the phone book?" Twenty minutes later they have the number from the phone book when I already had it on my iphone after 21 seconds.  Grammy- "Well why did I spend all that time finding the right phone book?"  Me- "dunno."

2.) Waiting for the table entertainment.  Lincoln blowing kisses to everyone alternated with trampling the other kids to be with his mommy.  Ian dodging and dashing with the wait staff.  Sophie screeching and squealing and screaming that she has to "POOOOOOPPPPP!!!" Bailey and Flynn squeezing the beejesus out of each other and making all octaves of ridiculous sounds.  At one point Flynn squeezed the "men love" out of Bailey, whatever that may be.  All of the children took turns smashing my metatarsals into dust.

3.) The stalking for a table  After about 20 minutes of pre-dinner entertainment the older adults decided that they must sit right now and they disappear.  We get up to find them and they are at two tables on either side of a table of three who were enjoying some pizza delight.  Suddenly those folks became the meat in a Herman Family Impatience Sandwich.  I am sure they felt awesome knowing they were keeping the poor, poor chilr'ns from eating.  They left after about five minutes of being turkey and cheese.

4.) The pre-ordering entertainment.  All 5 kids freaking out and starving to death.  Gold fish were flying everywhere and then being masticated with utter delight.  It was not enough.  Lincoln got an emory board as an appetizer, and someone ate the styrofoam bowl the fish came in.  Sobs and wails, laughter and snorts of starving beasts.

Proof that a mom would do just about anything to hush a kid's howling.

Nom Nom NOM! Chomp Chomp a Chuey CHOMP!

5.) The big K/O!  This spectacle was performed by yours truly.  We had to push 3 tables together to make one big enough for the clan.  As we were getting up to get salad I rang my bell so to speak when I slammed my head into the little flying saucer lamp hanging where one table used to be. CRACK!! Chirp-chirp-birdies-flying-around-my-gourd!!  (To make this more awesome, I did it again. The third time this old dog learned a new trick and ducked.)

6.) The bad joke.  A cherry pepper was strategically placed in front of the first child.  It took a bite.  It gagged and it drank it's whole drink in one sip as it chucked the pepper in the middle of the table.  The pepper was placed by the next kid.  It took a bite and gagged and spit it's bite on the table as it chucked the pepper in the middle of the table.  The same pepper was placed in front of the next kid.  It took a bite and gagged as it chucked it in front of the person who put the pepper in front of it.  The big mean jerky jokeass placed the pepper in front of the baby as a joke and the baby grabbed it before big meany could move it.  Baby got pepper juice in it's eye.  Jokeass felt bad.

Return of the bad pepper.

7.) Mid dinner entertainment.  The boys snarfed down 3 pieces of pizza each.  They are one year old twins.  I think they ate more than me.  They sang and danced a pizza song for us to express their deep respect for PIZZA.

8.) Inappropriate snacking.  Flynn decided he wanted me to chew on his ear.  I pretended to and then his dad pretended to.  I always tell him give momma a bite of monkey meat.  I chew his arm and pretend it is rotten and spit it out.  I chewed too hard and he told his dad on me.  Meanwhile April is telling me about how Bailey got all dressed up for a boy.  I was totally into the story and Flynn says give me your arm momma.  I gave him my arm.  Next thing I know Darrell bit my arm really hard.  When the kids bite each other we bite them back.  He was getting me back for biting Flynn.  WTC!?!?! Everyone got a good laugh.

9.) Dessert. Free hot fudge calzones for dads.  That means we got three.  Which means the kids got three.  If you have ever seen these you know that five kids do not need three of them.  Prior to the arrival of dessert Lincoln had checked out.  Grandpa won him over with chocolate.  The next ten minutes consisted of five kids ether shoveling hot fudge calzones into their own pie holes or of ill intending grandparents assisting pie hole stuffing.  Result: FIVE kids crusty with ice cream ooze and choco-goo. One of the babies had a fist of chocolate mint and a fist of calzone as he was getting stuffed by spoon feeding. The offending grandma had a look of evil, knowing that the parents would be forced to take the sugar saturated baby off her hands in a minute or two.

10.) Post dessert= the big kids running in circles like mad rabid animals howling and singing. The babies looking like pot bellied Buddhas.  Sophie singing a "bird song" that sounded like she was spewing random alphabet soup lyrics.  Total f*cking madness.

At that is how it is done folks. 

Ten Things- Is "Whack" Nature or Nurture?

So, I am a bit on the strange and unusual side.  Don't know why.  I used to think it was because I was ignored too much as a child, or that I was dropped on my head a few times.  Maybe my mom drank too much Diet Coke when she was cooking me?  I am completely innocent of all of these things and my kids are LOCO!  Here are some fun surprises I have found in the last couple of days.

1.) Hot pink kissy marks on my wall by my kitchen.  I am really hoping they are from Sophie and not from Flynn.  I know this is genetic because I remember doing this too.  Granted, I was a teenager and warped by the definition of the word.  My mom sold Mary Kay for a while and had a case of all colors of "art supplies."  Even with that kind of invitation my brother and I were pretty good and did not indulge much.  I did, however, try on lipstick and make out with the wall to mark my place.

2.) I found every ball in the house in the dishwasher tossed way in the back.  I hope that was done today. My husband actually did the dishes last night so I am hoping he didn't think we had dirty balls.

DIRTY BALLZ!!

3.)  On the second to top bookshelf there was an array of brown, crusty, stales bread droppings.  I know I didn't put them there.  I am perplexed as to how the children reached that level.  D is a bit of a hot mess in the cleaning-after-himself department but I don't think he would even do this.  Do my kids sprout wings and fly when I am out of the room like the toys in Toy Story?

4.)  Every few days or so, I find a single egg cracked in the sink.  I am pretty sure it is Flynn.  Sophie is far to destructive to be so tidy. She cracks her eggs in her play kitchen or in a carpet omelette.

5.) There are little square drawings all over the house.  They look like faces.  I think they are to low for Sophie works but I have never seen Flynn draw like this.

Strange Head One

Strange Head Two

6.) There is a round two of flower petals stuffed in the space heater. This time they are Spring flowers and they have not been torched.

7.)  While I was searching for a card in my purse today I found a Spider Man head top for a toothbrush, broken swim goggles, a piece of a chicken nugget, a rock, the open lipstick from the kissy wall, a baby Tabasco (OK I put that there,) a princess crown and a fruit snack wrapper.  I clean my purse out every Saturday at work.  Aside from the baby Tabasco that I got when we went out for our anniversary, the rest was not there on Saturday.

8.) A frozen concoction with a stick in it in the freezer.  I think it is supposed to be a popsicle.  It doesn't look edible or good.  I shudder to think what it could be.  I used to mix everything in the house and freeze it.  It was my "Clean Everything" potion.

9.) My tub lathered up in Farm Hussy Root-beer Float scrub.  The whole jar. I guess fixtures must be in dire need of exfoliation.  I am as a well since I have the post sunburn peel appeal. I guess I better go find a lava rock.  My kids can't seem to keep their paws off my biz.

10.) A collection of pinecones and withered carrots behind the living room chair.  Oh My!

There is never a dull moment in this house and today I was really wishing there were.  I have a raging headache.  I think it is from the sun but it is probably from stress.  It seems the days I need it the least, I find the most fun.  Truthfully, I am guilty of the same crimes.  I have a long memory and I did some really bad stuff.

For my mom. I confess I put the nickel in the bleach that caused toxic gas to explode the bottle all over the clothes.  Wow! I feel lighter.  

10 Things- Reasons I Want to Take Out My Boxing Gloves and Combat Boots.

If you are looking for that "shiny happy people" "rainbows shooting from your ass" post, this ain't your day.  turn around and walk the other way.  I am not channeling my inner Yoda today.  I am leaning toward the dark side.  Who's my daddy?  I am thinking it may be Vader.  Oh no, never mind, that is the big ball of evil I work with.  We will get to that.  Hold your pants on.

My Theme Song Today

1.) I had 24 hours of PTO taken out on my last paycheck that was supposed to be short term disability.  I want what I deserve. People that have to spend time off from work to get their head half chopped off from a "probable tumor" need vacation too.  I have tried to call the case worker and now suddenly she is mute.  Watch out, here I come. . .

2.) Secondly, my HOA that is not my HOA, is sitting on $2500+ that they garnished from me after we no longer lived there.  Our account is settled since we closed and they are not returning my calls.  I have politely put up with their constant nagging and harassing while we were doing the short sale.  I put up with their exorbitant legal fees that they even charged on top of the money they didn't apply and hoarded for 6 months.   Gloves are off and this Sh!t is going down!

3.) I have been put in charge of  "the family loaner computer."  A.K.A. my dad kissing up to my mom for some wrong he perceived he did to her 22 years ago.  He bought it to loan to her so she will stop making excuses on not getting a job.  Lucky me, I get to monitor it and set it up.  YAY! I think she should have gotten the job first, but what do I know?

4.) I have a daggone tan despite my 50 SPF.  All I want is to be able to go outside and not get crispy fried.  I had a cadaver project in pre med, in which the dude died of terminal melanoma.  He had like 3000 tumors all over his body.  It was totally disgusting, frightening and damaged me for life.  This is my mental problem to bear, but every time I see a leather skin, chronic tanner I get flashbacks of tumor man. I get all queasy and mental, and want to pass out.  Does anyone make SPF 2300?  The only time I have ever allowed myself to tan on purpose was a week before my wedding.  That was only so I was not the same color as the ridiculous dress I bought.  For real!

Crappy Resolution Pic of the Tan!

5.)  I have enough drama to run Days of Our Lives for a month at work.  This is where Vader comes in.  I have "crossed" the giant ball of evil I work with and she always gets those who cross her.  I swear today while I was sitting alone waiting to hear about someone eating a suppository, Darth Evil came in and tried to suck my breath away like the Dementors on Harry Potter.  It was as if all of the fun was sucked out of the world.  Anyone who knows me, knows I try to get along with everyone and I just want the world to be a fun, "shiny happy people" place.  Why can't we all get along? Why, because there is a Darth Evil around every corner.

My Work Colleague

6.) One of my serious pet peeves is when people do not pull over for ambulances.  On the way home from work, I was the only one who did.  I wanted to go "Tawanda" on the car in front of me and beside me.  Somebody's life is at stake people!  Get over your damn selves.

7.) 7-11 is on my list and I want an apology.  Why is it, in the world of 6 slurpee machines, is there no Crystal Light Slurpees?!?!?! I want a slurpee and I do not want to super size my ass with that order.

8.) My daughter had a holy-hell-terror meltdown because she did not want to go home.  She wanted Circus Peanut candy.  She wanted me to drive to the South Pole where she believes they are made.  I told her I had no idea on Earth where I can get Circus Peanuts, and with her attitude she may never see one again.  She then arched her back in the car seat and nearly snapped the harness right open.

9.) I had to spend $54.94 to fill my not even empty gas tank. BOO!  Then I spilled gas on my foot.  That probably cost a buck, so I can smell flammable all day.  Then I found a rat nest of trash in my car from my family.  The contents included a half eaten hot dog, a spilled Sprite from 7-11 that didn't have Crystal Light Slurpees, an empty muffin wrapper, and assorted toddler meal crap.  I unloaded and filled up Costco's trash when I notice the EVIL.  Yellow pollen encrusted car hood.  It is probably psychosomatic since I have a massive attitude problem today, but I can't breath now.

Why My Lungs Feel Like a Pollen Filter!

Big Oil Can Bite Me!

10.) My daughter wants to be Lady Gaga, and she is obsessed with this stupid girl on youtube who has tutorials on how to do makeovers.  She was watching a video on my iPhone about how to look like the Perfect Plastic Barbie Doll.  I liked Barbies so much I chopped all their hair off and made them G.I. JOE torture subjects with the help of my brother.  That being said, I think I will follow this tutorial for my 20 year reunion look.

The only thing that has made me "not a bitter grinch" is that I got to my mail box and it smelled like bubblegum.  I knew my Farm Hussy was here.  Also my daughter frantically begged me to put in her very special password on Starfall, "Hurry, hurry hurry, before I pass out, MOM!"  (there is no password on her Starfall.)  LMBO for a few minutes, sniffed my Huss Wear and now I am feeling Grinchy again.  Bah Humbug!

 

Ten things- What Is Wrong With This Picture Today?

The ten most ridiculous things that happened to me today.

1. I had to sleep in the bed with my son because his dad snored too loud and Flynn is quiet. I woke up to his cheesy grin and dragon breath in my face.  That child smells worse than any other human being I have ever met and I am a nurse that worked at County.

2. I walked past the TV, at 11 A.M., and The Blind Side had just started.  It is like crack.  One of those movies I HAVE TO WATCH.  I did not take a shower until 2.  P.U.

3. My son told me he is a girl and his name is Chocolate Fairy.  I really hope this is a joke because I will be needing therapy if I am required to call my son Chocolate Fairy.  Not to mention he is so damn white he is almost see through.

4. The jokeasses at McDonalds gave my daughter caramel sauce with her apples and it is currently sliding it's way down her car seat and the leather in the Jeep.  That shit should be illegal.  I mean really?  What the CRAP? I do not have the strength or patience to tackle that task tonight.

5. I met my mom at the Colorado Mills Mall and my son ran towards her like people do in the movies. It was almost all slo-mo and stuff.  When he got to her his feet flew up and he landed flat smack on his bum. I bet he was super happy that he still wears diapers today.  Extra padding.

6. We were shopping at Burlington (I have been schooled in that it is just Burington now and X the Coat Factory part,) and a sales associate saw me struggling with my purchases and kids.  Clothes and kids were flying everywhere!! She brought me a cart and taught me how to safety belt my purse to the cart seat.  It left me envisioning some fool trying to jack me.  I woud feel really sorry for anyone who did.  I am as mean as a rattler who got his tail nipped by a hiker.  I may be a chunk but I have a mean hook punch.

7.  My children and their cousins made my mom and I do a "choreographed" dance to this song, The Witch Song. Aiden directed us in a very serious way. We brought our milkshake to the yard, uh huh.  They are really lucky that we are half foolish.  Well I think I am more than half but I don't think my dad would appreciate this theory.

8. While at my sister's house, which I am highly allergic to, I sneezed.  HOT DAMN!  It hurt so bad I felt like one of those aliens was digging his way out of my throat.  If you are ever unfortunate enough to have throat surgery, try and do it outside of allergy season.  I am taking prophylactic Benadryl from here on.

9. I was driving out of Hedi's driveway and my phone rang from the hossy.  I know it was the surgeon because it was after business hours and the office staff leave at 5.  The only people that ever call after 5 are the doctors, which means he was most likely calling to tell me my path report.  The bluetooth would not connect and I missed the call.  I have been very impatiently waiting for that call.  My bluetooth always connects.  Why now?

10.  Just now I was chatting with my sissy and the phone rang from my other sissies house.  I answered and heard my mom say "What a Devil," and she hung up.  We got a good chuckle out of it.  She called back and told me she thought the call didn't connect and she said "What the Devil?"  HAHAHAHA!  I swear I heard "what a devil!"  She did tell me I was Devil Spawn once.  She didn't like what that says about her.

Ten Things- Cleaning, Common Sense

One thing that I think should be common sense is apparently not so common.  Cleaning and keeping things clean.  I have been ill and spent a few days in the hospital recently.  I will fully admit that I have not done a dang thing to keep my house clean other than the minimal, washing dishes, clothes and kids.  I have been tired, sore and nauseated for 10 days.  In addition my husbands business partner has been in town for two weeks, and when that happens, he more or less takes off from family life.  This combination has led me to this post and to my home being darn near condemnable.  It is plain filthy.  Some of the surprises I have found are against what I believe to be common sense.  Following are some easy guidelines to keeping a presentable place.

1.) If you do not use cleaning products it is not clean.  Each type of surface has an appropriate cleaning solution.  Degreaser is not a good choice for wood furniture as it ruins the finish and makes it look dull.

2.) If you spill something, clean it up right away.  The longer a stain sets and the drier it gets the less likely it will come out.  Using the couch as a napkin is not appropriate.  If a child does this, wipe it up and teach them to use a napkin.  If coffee is spilt on the carpet use the carpet cleaning machine right away to clean it up.  Dry stale coffee smells like ass.

Chocolate Milk Making Remnants

3.) Just because something comes out of the dishwasher does not mean it is clean.  If it is dirty do not put it away.  Clean it. Some things need to be rinsed before putting them in the dish washer.  Brillo is our friend.

Cleaning Math

4.)  Yogurt is not a toy.  It is to be consumed at the table, with a spoon, and the container goes into the garbage. The spoon goes into the sink.  If yogurt gets spilled onto a table do not use degreaser to clean it up, use furniture polish.  If it is done right away, it wipes right up.  No elbow grease required.  If it is spilled on the carpet, use a wet rag and hot water to clean it up.  It is really easy at this stage.  Once the stain dries and sets it may never come out.

5.) The floor is not a filing cabinet.  If you need to find a place to put the papers and mail,  some amazing genius invented filing cabinets for this.  There are two in the garage that have been requested to be brought up and be used for their purpose in life.  They are probably really sad down there, remaining useless.

6.) Trash goes in to the trash can.  Leaving the soup box and the empty cracker packages on the kitchen counter is considered littering.  When the garbage can is full, take the trash out.  Gathering 5 bags of trash together before taking it out is not appropriate and is unsanitary too.  The 100 foot walk to the dumpster is good exercise.

7.) Just because it keeps the kids quiet does not mean it is a good idea.  Cat litter is not a good choice for a play activity.  Letting the kids mix all of the pieces from all of the puzzles and games is not an acceptable.  Once one game is done being played with, put it up before getting another out.  Put all of the pieces away.  Once the pieces are lost the game becomes unplayable and the money spent on the game is wasted.  Saying you want them to explore is fine but then you have to clean up after them or teach them to do it.  A good rule of thumb, If you can't see the kids, they are probably doing something bad.

Cat Litter as a Means of fun

8.)  Taking 2-5 minutes to do something asked of you to help can save hours of cleaning and drama later on.  Changing a light bulb is not a big deal.  Just do it.

9.) Never under any circumstance is it ok to not rinse out your dish.  If the sink is full of dishes, clean them.  It takes 30 seconds to rinse a dish and 5 minutes or more to chisel petrified cereal off of a bowl. Clarification: I am guilty of the above shown pan.   I let the soup scorch that I made the day after I got out of the hospital, but I did not put the pan away with a giant scorch mark.

10.)  I apologize in advance that my snoring habits may drive my husband to the couch.  Please put the pillows back on the couch when you are done using it.  I know it is a fun activity to make forts and throw the pillows everywhere.  Put them up when you are done.  Let the person be damned that invented couches that have 15 pillows to put them together.  NEVER AGAIN.

I feel like a complete whiner but sometimes it gets really old doing the same damn things day in, day out.  I do not feel well, and I do not need more obstacles in life right now.  I have spent all day scrubbing stains and crust and goo.  If I felt like puking before, amplify that by 10.

The End.

Ten Crazy Things- Nursing Part One (Not for the faint of heart)

I am very tired tonight so I am making a list of ten crazy things that have happened to me as a nurse.  I didn't have time to take good pics of the patinad metal I made so this is my replacement.  Please don't make the mistake of thinking these are the only ten things.  I could make many lists such as this.

1. I was dressing a homeless man's foot who had been admitted with frost bite.  The dressing order was to wind lose Kerlix gauze through the toes and secure with tape.  Well in the process one of the toes kind of fell off.  I was a fairly new nurse and was seeing malpractice billboards with my name on them as I was trying to hold off the volumes of vomit that I wanted to spew.  I run out to seek council from my wise and more experienced colleagues.  Their response~ "Meh, it happens. "

2. One night I found myself on the pointy end of a switch blade.  It was lovely and had an eagle picture on the handle made out of inlaid stones.  We have these little safety devices that we can push if we need help that are pinned on with our badges.  I push it frantically and wait, hoping for a speedy response.  The charge nurse, who was a past military medic, and had also been working as a nurse for 25 years, comes in calm as a clam and says "Hey, that is cool.  Can I see it?" as he grabs the knife and walks right out of the room.

3.  I was privy to witness a quadruple bypass surgery on my last day of nursing school.  It is very complicated and fascinating.  When all is said and done, they restart the heart and blood shoots up like 5 feet in the air.  The surgeon states "And we sprung a leak!"

4. When I was pregnant with Sophie the fabulous day charge nurse assigns me a patient with a prolapsed uterus who is too sick to survive surgery.  I go to do my assessment and part of it is checking all body systems.  I pull back the sheet to take a look at her legs and what do I find?  The uterus laying on the bed next to a pile of poop.  I pulled the code light and spent the whole time the other nurses were cleaning her up, hurling in the bathroom.  I am sure the patient enjoyed that situation as much as I did.

5. I was held hostage by a very "wound up" man.  I was trying to help his nurse to get him to open the door.  He decided he wanted to talk to me only and let me in.  He then barricaded the door and wouldn't let me out until the doctor came to talk to him.  It only took 45 minutes or so.   During the hostage time his wife told me that she had put two very strong analgesic/narcotic patches on him because one didn't work (these things take time.)  When they didn't work immediately she brought him in for pain management.  They put him on a narcotic PCA.  Meanwhile the double dose of pain patch kicked in.  I learned first hand the importance of a good skin assessment.

6. One night when I was charge nurse I was making rounds and one of the patients was sitting shredding news papers in the corner, like a gerbil.  I make a few polite as possible comments on how we like to try and keep the rooms clean and if he would be so kind, not to make a nest in the corner.  His response is to ask for more cans of hand sanitizing foam.  He had ingested up to 3 cans which I found in the trash and was looking for another fix.  Sometimes cleanliness is not next to Godliness.

7.  I walked in on a guy pleasuring himself one night.  This was not the first time and not the last time that had happened.  I begged one of the male CNAs to go in with me to confront the situation. The fun part of this story is that he was admitted with Priapism, or an erection that will not go away.  He caused this by injecting cocaine in his private area.  Part of the treatment was to make an incision and drain the blood.  Apparently his doctor told him to make sure and pleasure himself if he started feeling "um, full."  I would have liked to have killed that doc, for I got the clean up the bloody mess.  Nice.

8. One night on a particularly stressful night shift I decided to go outside for some air and a moment to myself.  I am minding my own business across from the ER and a guy walks up to me with two steak knives sticking out of his chest and asks me what he should do.  First off you should have called 911, second you shouldn't have pissed off your chick and third it says ER right there, pointing to ER door. Have fun not setting off the metal detector.

9.  One of my isolation patients had just had his trach suctioned by respiratory and I was leaving the room after helping them with him.  I washed my hands and was in the process of taking my gown off and putting it in the trash when he coughs and I turn around to see if he is OK.  I got hit full on with a MRSA sputum, loogie right in the chest, on my scrubs.  I spent the rest of the shift in an intimate relationship with the "Purple Death Wipes" scrubbing my top, not caring that the wipes were not to be used on skin.

10. We had a very sweet, homeless, immigrant man who I have many fond and not so fond stories of.  He injured himself after sniffing too much paint.   One of my favorites was one day he was particularly ripe and was refusing to wash up.  He was kind of like Pigpen in that he was always surrounded in a cloud of dust.  I always worked nights and just happened to be on a day shift when they do baths this particular day.  He was giving me "what for" about not taking a bath as was his usual routine. I was fed up with his aroma and decided to pick his ass up and put him in the shower.  He was all of 90 pounds so not to hard to manage.  I literally lifted him up and walked him over to the shower.  I stood at the door and walked him through the whole showering process.  He washed his hair about four times while I tried to clean his room and not let him out of my sight at the same time. FUN.  He was laughing his head off the whole time.  Just when I was about satisfied that he may be clean he grabs the little bottle of pink lotion and dumps it on his head.  The other nurses were not happy that we caused a flood but they were pleased that their olfactory sense was not as traumatized any longer.