Tonight is the last night I am going to bed as the whole me. It is so weird to know I am going tomorrow to get a whole piece of me chopped out. I will have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life because my arch nemesis, cANCER, has decided to pay me a visit. Well it is not 100% for sure cancer but the ENT surgeon says it is "probable" cancer. I HATE cANCER!! It is not welcome here, so get out STUPID nemesis!! For 6 weeks now I have felt like an evil parasite has hitched a ride in me and I have not been my self much. It is a horrible feeling if ever I had one.
My daughter is staying at my grandma's tonight and when Grammy said I was on the prayer chain at church, she was really unhappy. She told them I was supposed to be going to the doctor, not Church! I envision her thinking I was on a chain, hanging somewhere at church. Just waiting for whatever they do to people on chains in a church. LOL. I, of course, think it must be like a prisoner in the Bastille or something. Chained to a wall awaiting an evil outcome, crazed and cachectic. She is always my comedienne, even when she is not trying. That made me laugh even though I kind of want to cry.
I have a nervousness I only get before really important tests like the MCAT, NCLEX, and Organic Chemistry tests, but worse. I am more nervous than I was before I went to the hospital before having Sophie, knowing I had to push a watermelon out of a grape. The only thing that ever made me as nervous as this is when I went to see Sophie on the ultrasound, after having two miscarriages in a row, and there was no heartbeat. We were there a day too soon for that. That is the only time I ever remember feeling like this.
I am scared and I don't scare easily. I jumped out of a perfectly good plane once and didn't feel close to this. You would think as a nurse, I could be more rational. I guess it is a time for better living through pharmacology. That was my motto when I worked on ortho/neuro surgery floor. Now it is my turn. I do not wish to be on this end of the hospital bed. I am a very, very, very bad patient. I am thankful my best friend and husband will be there. I think I may need a binkie with some Ativan, Vitamin A, as I fondly refer to it when seeking a means to a calmer more reasonable patient. Please if you have a spare moment and believe, pray for me. Please and Thanks.
Night.
Love,
Jilly
P.S. Maybe I will, at least, have a thinner neck now. I hate my fat neck. If I was 90 pounds I would still have a fat neck. BLAST!!
P.P.S. here is a youtube video of a thyroidectomy if you aren't easily grossed out. Enjoy.
My daughter is staying at my grandma's tonight and when Grammy said I was on the prayer chain at church, she was really unhappy. She told them I was supposed to be going to the doctor, not Church! I envision her thinking I was on a chain, hanging somewhere at church. Just waiting for whatever they do to people on chains in a church. LOL. I, of course, think it must be like a prisoner in the Bastille or something. Chained to a wall awaiting an evil outcome, crazed and cachectic. She is always my comedienne, even when she is not trying. That made me laugh even though I kind of want to cry.
I have a nervousness I only get before really important tests like the MCAT, NCLEX, and Organic Chemistry tests, but worse. I am more nervous than I was before I went to the hospital before having Sophie, knowing I had to push a watermelon out of a grape. The only thing that ever made me as nervous as this is when I went to see Sophie on the ultrasound, after having two miscarriages in a row, and there was no heartbeat. We were there a day too soon for that. That is the only time I ever remember feeling like this.
I am scared and I don't scare easily. I jumped out of a perfectly good plane once and didn't feel close to this. You would think as a nurse, I could be more rational. I guess it is a time for better living through pharmacology. That was my motto when I worked on ortho/neuro surgery floor. Now it is my turn. I do not wish to be on this end of the hospital bed. I am a very, very, very bad patient. I am thankful my best friend and husband will be there. I think I may need a binkie with some Ativan, Vitamin A, as I fondly refer to it when seeking a means to a calmer more reasonable patient. Please if you have a spare moment and believe, pray for me. Please and Thanks.
Night.
Love,
Jilly
P.S. Maybe I will, at least, have a thinner neck now. I hate my fat neck. If I was 90 pounds I would still have a fat neck. BLAST!!
P.P.S. here is a youtube video of a thyroidectomy if you aren't easily grossed out. Enjoy.
oh, sweetie...that is terrible news. I cant imagine what you must be going through. You are in my thoughts! What type of cancer? My cousin has successfully beaten both colon and lung cancer but i know what she has gone through. I send you positive vibes. Please dont hesitate if you need to talk or rant or whatever...I am here.
ReplyDeleterenee
Love you! Everything is going to be ok. What time is you surgery tomorrow?
ReplyDeleteOh Jill, you are in my prayers! All prayer chains are made of gold! You are strong and will get through this!
ReplyDelete