After a super long day of listening to "Darth Vader" breathing the death rattle on the other side of the work cubicle I embarked on a road to chaos in it's purest form. Children (and grown ups that are kind of like children) on Father's Day.
1.) The grande decision. Where to go, what to do? In my family this is always a ridiculous spectacle. Never is it an easy choice or event. "What should we do?" "Whatever works for everybody." "DO you think we should go?" "I wonder if we should call ahead?" (The answer to this, from a former bartender, is always HELL YES.) "Is (insert anything) going to work for everybody?" (The answer to this is always HELL NO!!) "What is the phone number?" "Does anyone know?" "Where is the phone book?" Twenty minutes later they have the number from the phone book when I already had it on my iphone after 21 seconds. Grammy- "Well why did I spend all that time finding the right phone book?" Me- "dunno."
2.) Waiting for the table entertainment. Lincoln blowing kisses to everyone alternated with trampling the other kids to be with his mommy. Ian dodging and dashing with the wait staff. Sophie screeching and squealing and screaming that she has to "POOOOOOPPPPP!!!" Bailey and Flynn squeezing the beejesus out of each other and making all octaves of ridiculous sounds. At one point Flynn squeezed the "men love" out of Bailey, whatever that may be. All of the children took turns smashing my metatarsals into dust.
3.) The stalking for a table After about 20 minutes of pre-dinner entertainment the older adults decided that they must sit right now and they disappear. We get up to find them and they are at two tables on either side of a table of three who were enjoying some pizza delight. Suddenly those folks became the meat in a Herman Family Impatience Sandwich. I am sure they felt awesome knowing they were keeping the poor, poor chilr'ns from eating. They left after about five minutes of being turkey and cheese.
4.) The pre-ordering entertainment. All 5 kids freaking out and starving to death. Gold fish were flying everywhere and then being masticated with utter delight. It was not enough. Lincoln got an emory board as an appetizer, and someone ate the styrofoam bowl the fish came in. Sobs and wails, laughter and snorts of starving beasts.
5.) The big K/O! This spectacle was performed by yours truly. We had to push 3 tables together to make one big enough for the clan. As we were getting up to get salad I rang my bell so to speak when I slammed my head into the little flying saucer lamp hanging where one table used to be. CRACK!! Chirp-chirp-birdies-flying-around-my-gourd!! (To make this more awesome, I did it again. The third time this old dog learned a new trick and ducked.)
6.) The bad joke. A cherry pepper was strategically placed in front of the first child. It took a bite. It gagged and it drank it's whole drink in one sip as it chucked the pepper in the middle of the table. The pepper was placed by the next kid. It took a bite and gagged and spit it's bite on the table as it chucked the pepper in the middle of the table. The same pepper was placed in front of the next kid. It took a bite and gagged as it chucked it in front of the person who put the pepper in front of it. The big mean jerky jokeass placed the pepper in front of the baby as a joke and the baby grabbed it before big meany could move it. Baby got pepper juice in it's eye. Jokeass felt bad.
7.) Mid dinner entertainment. The boys snarfed down 3 pieces of pizza each. They are one year old twins. I think they ate more than me. They sang and danced a pizza song for us to express their deep respect for PIZZA.
8.) Inappropriate snacking. Flynn decided he wanted me to chew on his ear. I pretended to and then his dad pretended to. I always tell him give momma a bite of monkey meat. I chew his arm and pretend it is rotten and spit it out. I chewed too hard and he told his dad on me. Meanwhile April is telling me about how Bailey got all dressed up for a boy. I was totally into the story and Flynn says give me your arm momma. I gave him my arm. Next thing I know Darrell bit my arm really hard. When the kids bite each other we bite them back. He was getting me back for biting Flynn. WTC!?!?! Everyone got a good laugh.
9.) Dessert. Free hot fudge calzones for dads. That means we got three. Which means the kids got three. If you have ever seen these you know that five kids do not need three of them. Prior to the arrival of dessert Lincoln had checked out. Grandpa won him over with chocolate. The next ten minutes consisted of five kids ether shoveling hot fudge calzones into their own pie holes or of ill intending grandparents assisting pie hole stuffing. Result: FIVE kids crusty with ice cream ooze and choco-goo. One of the babies had a fist of chocolate mint and a fist of calzone as he was getting stuffed by spoon feeding. The offending grandma had a look of evil, knowing that the parents would be forced to take the sugar saturated baby off her hands in a minute or two.
10.) Post dessert= the big kids running in circles like mad rabid animals howling and singing. The babies looking like pot bellied Buddhas. Sophie singing a "bird song" that sounded like she was spewing random alphabet soup lyrics. Total f*cking madness.
At that is how it is done folks.
1.) The grande decision. Where to go, what to do? In my family this is always a ridiculous spectacle. Never is it an easy choice or event. "What should we do?" "Whatever works for everybody." "DO you think we should go?" "I wonder if we should call ahead?" (The answer to this, from a former bartender, is always HELL YES.) "Is (insert anything) going to work for everybody?" (The answer to this is always HELL NO!!) "What is the phone number?" "Does anyone know?" "Where is the phone book?" Twenty minutes later they have the number from the phone book when I already had it on my iphone after 21 seconds. Grammy- "Well why did I spend all that time finding the right phone book?" Me- "dunno."
2.) Waiting for the table entertainment. Lincoln blowing kisses to everyone alternated with trampling the other kids to be with his mommy. Ian dodging and dashing with the wait staff. Sophie screeching and squealing and screaming that she has to "POOOOOOPPPPP!!!" Bailey and Flynn squeezing the beejesus out of each other and making all octaves of ridiculous sounds. At one point Flynn squeezed the "men love" out of Bailey, whatever that may be. All of the children took turns smashing my metatarsals into dust.
3.) The stalking for a table After about 20 minutes of pre-dinner entertainment the older adults decided that they must sit right now and they disappear. We get up to find them and they are at two tables on either side of a table of three who were enjoying some pizza delight. Suddenly those folks became the meat in a Herman Family Impatience Sandwich. I am sure they felt awesome knowing they were keeping the poor, poor chilr'ns from eating. They left after about five minutes of being turkey and cheese.
4.) The pre-ordering entertainment. All 5 kids freaking out and starving to death. Gold fish were flying everywhere and then being masticated with utter delight. It was not enough. Lincoln got an emory board as an appetizer, and someone ate the styrofoam bowl the fish came in. Sobs and wails, laughter and snorts of starving beasts.
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| Proof that a mom would do just about anything to hush a kid's howling. |
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| Nom Nom NOM! Chomp Chomp a Chuey CHOMP! |
6.) The bad joke. A cherry pepper was strategically placed in front of the first child. It took a bite. It gagged and it drank it's whole drink in one sip as it chucked the pepper in the middle of the table. The pepper was placed by the next kid. It took a bite and gagged and spit it's bite on the table as it chucked the pepper in the middle of the table. The same pepper was placed in front of the next kid. It took a bite and gagged as it chucked it in front of the person who put the pepper in front of it. The big mean jerky jokeass placed the pepper in front of the baby as a joke and the baby grabbed it before big meany could move it. Baby got pepper juice in it's eye. Jokeass felt bad.
 |
| Return of the bad pepper. |
8.) Inappropriate snacking. Flynn decided he wanted me to chew on his ear. I pretended to and then his dad pretended to. I always tell him give momma a bite of monkey meat. I chew his arm and pretend it is rotten and spit it out. I chewed too hard and he told his dad on me. Meanwhile April is telling me about how Bailey got all dressed up for a boy. I was totally into the story and Flynn says give me your arm momma. I gave him my arm. Next thing I know Darrell bit my arm really hard. When the kids bite each other we bite them back. He was getting me back for biting Flynn. WTC!?!?! Everyone got a good laugh.
9.) Dessert. Free hot fudge calzones for dads. That means we got three. Which means the kids got three. If you have ever seen these you know that five kids do not need three of them. Prior to the arrival of dessert Lincoln had checked out. Grandpa won him over with chocolate. The next ten minutes consisted of five kids ether shoveling hot fudge calzones into their own pie holes or of ill intending grandparents assisting pie hole stuffing. Result: FIVE kids crusty with ice cream ooze and choco-goo. One of the babies had a fist of chocolate mint and a fist of calzone as he was getting stuffed by spoon feeding. The offending grandma had a look of evil, knowing that the parents would be forced to take the sugar saturated baby off her hands in a minute or two.
10.) Post dessert= the big kids running in circles like mad rabid animals howling and singing. The babies looking like pot bellied Buddhas. Sophie singing a "bird song" that sounded like she was spewing random alphabet soup lyrics. Total f*cking madness.
At that is how it is done folks.
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